Four Parenting Styles

 

Just about every grandmother and grandfather will inform you hilarious stories of their kids once they have been very first born. And for each humorous and touching story they’ve, they are going to manage to inform you yet another for each hardship they encountered. Parenting is something that is definitely carried out in a variety of approaches by just about every parent. The following are 4 standard styles employed by parents.

Authority: Authoritarian mothers and fathers rule on just that: authority. Commands are given to youngsters that they have to comply with no matter the conditions. If these commands are usually not followed, harsh punishment will ensue. These parents will not welcome feedback from their little ones. The truth is, it is actually met with serious punishment. The youngsters have a tendency to be quiet and unhappy. They’ve a lot more of a concern than a appreciate for their mother and father. Male children have problems coping with anger and female young children have trouble facing adversity due to their heavily structured existence wherever practically nothing ever modifications.

Indulgent: Indulgent parents have a tendency to become described as lenient. They allow immature and childish behavior. These mother and father anticipate the children to master from their blunders and to fend for themselves in most occasions of want. These parents have a tendency to become democratic and let for feedback from there youngsters on troubles. They are going to hear both sides of an argument and typically make a compromise. Indulgent dad and mom normally stay clear of confrontation with their young children by all implies, but do tend to become additional involved and emotionally closer to their kids.

Authoritative: Authoritative mothers and fathers are a mixture of the two types previously mentioned. They can be the satisfied medium. When expecting right behavior from their children, they welcome feedback and questioning on particular problems. They’re capable to demand issues of their little ones but are also capable to respond to what they’re child says, issues and requests. These young children tend to be the happiest, most confident and self assured of every one of the talked about parenting designs. It truly is pretty complicated to become a purely authoritative parent.

Passive: Passive parenting is becoming fully uninvolved. These mother and father may possibly certainly not be house as a result of immaturity, work or the like. These youngsters are frequently raised by grandparents, older siblings, babysitters or themselves. There is no parental involvement whatsoever.

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Top 3 Really Cute Baby Halloween Costumes For Your Children This Year

Do you want to find baby Halloween costumes for your children this Halloween? Halloween is always a fun time of year when you have kids because you will have chance of looking for really fun and special baby Halloween costumes for your kids.

During the process of selecting baby Halloween costumes, do consider preference of your children. Choose such type of costume which your child is comfortable wearing it, walking up and down the streets. If your children hate wearing hats, don’t choose baby Halloween costumes which have hats. Some youngsters have sensitive skin and cannot tolerate itches, so the best thing would be to avoid scratchy fabrics or costumes with Velcro closures.

It’s important for you when choosing baby Halloween costumes, you should remember two things in mind: desires of your children and your budget. Most of the children want to dress up as doctors, pirates, nurses, fireman, policemen, astronauts, animals, etc. Choose interesting costumes for your kids which the children like and also fit in your budget.

There are so many baby Halloween costumes available on the marketing to choose from for your kids, especially, most of them are available online at discounted pricing. Some of the favorite boys Halloween costumes are superman, spider man, Harry potter, Power rangers, Pirate, Ninja, cowboy or knight. Some of the famous girls costumes are Princess Fiona, Snow white, Pocahontas, Little Mermaid, Princess or Bride, Fairy, Witch, cheerleader etc. Not only are they discounted but the selection is so much better than what you will most likely find in your local retail stores. Here are the top 3 baby Halloween costumes for this Halloween season:

1.    The Baby Blossom Costumes:

It is a 3 piece outfit that consists of a fully lined bodysuit that has a zip closure. There are matching booties and a hood that is surrounded by flower petals to make your little baby a beautiful flower. One of the petals of the flower has a bee sitting on it. You can dry clean or hand washes this baby outfit.

2.    Kids Devil Costumes

Devil costumes make great kids costumes. Devil costumes are sizzling red hot and they look just incredible on toddlers and young children. There are costumes choices for both the boys and the girls so don’t wait to check them out.

3.    Toy Story Baby Costumes

Toy Story has been of the most exciting kids’ movies to hit the screen for the last 3 years. Toy Story characters are very enjoyable to children and they are adorable as Halloween costumes. You have got lots of choices you can make there between Woody himself, Buzz, the Green Army Men, the three-eyed Aliens, Jessie, Hamm, or Rex. With them, you can help your kids have the most wonderful Halloween.

So you can have many really cute baby Halloween costumes to think about for this year to make great Halloween costumes for your children. Halloween will be here before you know it and I hope these suggestions have given you some helpful ideas. You should be able to find the perfect outfit to dress your baby up on Halloween with all these fun ideas.

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Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome

Real Life Experience
Before delving into the nitty gritty of Parental Alienation Syndrom (PAS), some background is in order. My mother has BPD and my father has NPD. They went through a horrible divorce which lasted over a decade, cost over tens of thousands of dollars EACH, and tragically used my brother and me as pawns. I am always researching and reading about topics that will help to further my understanding, increase my clarification, and continue to validate my lifelong experiences with my parents. With the researching and reading, I stumbled upon another “A-HA” topic that knocked my socks off. Before getting into the specifics, I want to review my background as related to this topic.

I was born to my mother and my biological father. When I was a few months old, my mother divorced him in order to marry her high school sweetheart. Her high school sweetheart (Dad) adopted me, and my baby album and baby book were both altered to completely erase my biological father. My biological paternal grandparents were told to come over one day and to say goodbye to me forever. Absolutely no evidence of my birth father remained. No words were spoken about this birth father– that is until my mother needed the information to use.

My mother had an affair with my Dad’s friend, and subsequently, my mother and Dad divorced in the late 70′s. Upon visiting with my mother one weekend when I was living with my Dad, she announces that she can get a hold of my birth father– OUT OF THE BLUE. I was taken back by the question but curious. I remember entertaining the notion, and we did speak to him for a short phone call. After that, I had no interest whatsoever talking to him again. LITTLE DID I KNOW, my mother used this information — that I was in touch with my birth father– to hurt my Dad. She leaked the information, making sure he found out. Throughout the years, she has tried to use my biological father and his family as a weapon when she sees fit.

On the flip side, my Dad, during the divorce, would go through my mother’s things and tell my brother and me all sorts of crazy things about my mother, which truly scared us to bits. He showed us the book, “The Sensuous Woman” and told us that our mother was a sex addict. He showed us her incense burner and told us that she was a drug user. He had a private detective following my mother and us kids, who would snap pictures using flashes in the middle of the night scaring us. He called the police one night after peeking in through the living room window and seeing my brother and me play with my mother and her boyfriend (my Dad’s ex-friend). He reported to the police that my brother and I were getting beat.

My Dad asked me to report activity going on at the house—such as who came to the house, when cars came and went at night, and what my mother was doing at various times. He would pick me up on my way walking to school and cry about how he couldn’t live without my brother and me—and about how he wants my brother and me to move in with him. Hearing his words and seeing my Dad cry were more than I could handle and deeply disturbed me.

My brother and I ended-up moving into my Dad’s apartment. During this time, he had us so freaked-out about our mother that we refused to visit her to decorate the Christmas tree. He had us backed into a corner of his apartment, making us feel guilty and scared to leave to go with her. Ultimately, he called and canceled the visit with her.

Unannounced, my mother moved out of the house while my brother and I took up residence at my Dad’s apartment. My Dad made a huge spectacle of the situation, having the neighbors on ‘patrol’. They were appointed posts and look-outs, and my brother and I were totally stressed over the whole situation. Dad even came to us at one point in a frantic state saying that my mother’s boyfriend flashed a gun at him. He also said that my mother smashed all the windows in the house—and he later paraded us around the house to show us the damage she did. He went so far as to open all of the cabinets in the house, pointing out things like, “AND LOOK, she even took the TOILET PAPER”. To this day, I don’t know who actually did the window smashing—my Dad was wrong in simply showing us the damage and creating a big deal about it.

Once we moved into the house, my mother wanted to have us come to her apartment for visitation. On two occasions in particular we didn’t go as an altercation between my mother and Dad broke out, and I had to call the police. After all was said and done, my brother and I wanted only to go to our rooms; therefore, we declined seeing our mother again. By the time I finally went to see my mother at her apartment, my Dad had us so scared that we were to call him at specific times to report if we are ‘okay’. I remember having to sneak away to find a phone every so often (actually quite often) to report what was going on.

I also remember being COMPLETELY FREAKED over the syringe that I saw in my mother’s bathroom. The syringe was simply an antique, glass display item that her doctor boyfriend gave her; however, with all of the hoopla created by my Dad surrounding her supposed drug use (which wasn’t true), I was shaking!

My Dad has us going to a psychiatrist that was supposed to speak for us in court during the custody hearings. This situation was very disturbing as we went at night (in the dark), after hours, and as the only people there with the DR. I didn’t feel comfortable at all, and the entire scenario even made the situation surrounding my parents’ divorce even more heightened. The DR would ask very leading questions, strongly suggesting we answer a certain way. You could tell he was looking for certain information and would clearly lead questioning and discussion in that direction. When the custody hearings came up, my Dad plead with my brother and me to attend and testify against my mother. We agreed; however, when the actual day came up, my brother declined and I went with my Dad.

Now, later in my teenage years (early-80′s), after my Dad remarried, I ended up moving in with my mother. After the custody hearing, we were driving away from the courthouse, and my mother turned around in her seat and announced she & my step-father plan to move to another state. I was stunned, as nothing was ever discussed about moving prior to the custody hearing. I was dumbfounded and immediately thought that my mother’s plan was to take me as far away from my Dad as possible.

Once I moved in with my mother, I had minimal contact with my Dad. My mother completely vilified him and would go ballistic and irrational whenever his name was brought up. She forced me to record phone conversations between him and me. She hooked the receiver to this wire that went to a recorder, and she gave me a list of questions and topics to talk to him about, trying to nail him for this or that. I felt absolutely HORRIBLE about it, and I ended up not wanting to talk to him because I didn’t want my mother putting me back into that situation again. And if I did talk to him and she didn’t know it until later, she would drill me about what was said and then drill me with why didn’t I say this or that. She kept up with the hatred all the way through until recent time (when we became estranged due to my wedding plans that included my Dad, and again, she conveniently used my biological father as a weapon of sorts). What is Parental Alienation Syndrome?
So, now you know some of the background that leads to my new topic: Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). Dr. Richard Gardner first coined the term “parental alienation syndrome” in the 1980s to describe the systematic vilification by one parent of the other parent and brainwashing of the child, with the intent of alienating the child from the other parent. Parental alienation syndrome occurs when one parent is engaged in an attempt not merely to destroy the other parent, but also to make the child join in the process. The child becomes “a weapon, a spokesperson, and a co-combatant”. The syndrome, as Gardner defined it, reveals the following factors: Alienating parents obsessively have their children become preoccupied with unjustified deprecation and criticism of the targeted parent; this deprecation and criticism occurs in the absence of a rational and legitimate cause. This is not a situation in which the targeted parent has shown abuse or neglect. Alienating parents are obsessed with intentionally destroying the relationship between the child and the targeted parent. To this end, the alienating parent will lie to the child about the targeted parent’s true feelings or induce the child to believe that the targeted parent is harmful. There will be an attempt to erase the targeted parent from the child’s life.

Now as I sit here and write this, and review back on a few of my blog entries, I realize that my mother clearly and distinctively subjected me to PAS from my childhood onward into adulthood (to our most recent estrangement). My mother completely erased my biological father. All record and evidence of him was wiped clean, and my adopted father (Dad) was brought into the picture. Later when she divorced my Dad, she attempted to destroy my relationship with my Dad by entering my biological father back into the picture, drilling me about my relationship with my Dad, and having me perform ‘dirty’ tasks for her such as record conversations using leading questions / topics.

My Dad also utilized PAS, emotionally abusing my brother and me for years. My Dad took extensive measures to destroy my relationship with my mother by using contempt and disapproval without sane or justifiable cause (ie: telling us that she’s a sex addict, drug user, and dangerous). He brainwashed us using a mix of emotions, fact, and twisted lies. He also made us feel very vulnerable and scared– he made us really need him in an insecure and unstable way. And in the end, when he got custody of us and he remarried a lady with two other children (much to my brother and my disapproval), he turned away from my brother and me and hasn’t returned since.

Many Alienating Parents Seemed to Have Personality Disorders

Most alienating parents meet the diagnostic criteria for a personality disorder, a pervasive and distorted relational style, including narcissism and borderline personality. A related finding is that many of the alienating parents appeared to have features of narcissistic and/or have a borderline personality disorder.

When I read this, I dropped my teeth again! Wow! When I found the topic about PAS, I was floored. I knew that my parents using my brother and me as pawns was damaging, abusive, and downright wrong. Now to read that the parents who engage in this toxicity (PAS) are predominately personality disordered, which fits BOTH of my parents (mother- BPD and Dad- NPD), I was doubly floored. My childhood path was not a coincidence. All of this fits together– from the bizarre behavior of my mother, the self absorbed actions of my Dad, the horrible divorce battle, only being able to have one parent in your life at a time, to having parents pit one against the other. The way all of this links together is amazing:

My mother has BPD –> BPD women typically marry narcissist –> my Dad has NPD –> when BPD women divorce NPD men, the divorce is typically drawn out and nasty–> My mother and Dad indeed had a tumultuous, long, and destructive divorce that lasted over a decade and cost each over ,000 –> 20 years ago (after my parents divorced) PAS was termed and completely describes what my brother and I went through at the hands of our parents. My parents used us kids as pawns in their divorce. Further, they used brainwashing, emotional abuse, manipulation, control tactics, and turning the kids against the other parent. TO THIS DAY, my brother and I cannot have a relationship with both parents—it’s one or the other. This is the way it’s been since the divorce was initiated.

PAS is a Form of Emotional Abuse

Parental alienation can be considered a form of emotional abuse for at least two reasons. First, the strategies that the alienating parents used to effectuate the alienation are emotionally abusive in and of themselves. That is, the alienating parents verbally assaulted, isolated, corrupted, rejected, terrorized, ignored, and over-pressured the children in order to alienate them from the targeted parent. These behaviors are part and parcel of what constitutes emotional abuse of children. In addition, it is proposed that separation of a child from a parent also constitutes emotional abuse–  Amy J.L. Baker

Strangely, each of my parents will accuse the other of emotional and mental abuse of my brother and me, BUT neither parent will acknowledge their own abusive doings. My mother says that one’s childhood should be left in the past, as that’s what it is, and that one’s childhood has no bearing on who you are as an adult or what you make of yourself. My Dad won’t talk about the past, and he says he chooses not to remember. With both parents, they abused my brother and me, but neither to this day will recognize the immense abuse consisting of verbal assaults, isolation, corruption, rejection, terrorizing, being ignored, and over-pressuring in order to hurt the other parent.

Practical Applications

PAS has been cited as part of the child custody determination process in the United States. Based on the evaluation of PAS, courts in the US have awarded sole custody to some fathers. Of sixty-four precedent-bearing cases, only two decisions, both in New York State and both in criminal courts actually set precedents. Both held PAS inadmissible and one case found that PAS failed the Frye test as the appropriate professional community did not generally accept; this decision was upheld in an appellate court. One case stated that PAS passed the Frye test, but the appeal did not discuss the Frye test and actually “[threw] out the words “‘parental alienation syndrome’” and focused on the “willingness and ability of each parent to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing relationship between the parents and the child.” In the second case the appellate court did not discuss PAS; the third case specifically chose not to discuss the admissibility of PAS and the fourth made no decision on PAS.

Funny how the PAS is PAS whether you call it PAS or write it out in its definition form. Sad that so much time, money, and headache has to be put in with these cases, taking them all the way to the appellate courts. How much precious time is lost with the child’s childhood– the time they should be laughing, carefree, loved, and feeling safe. So much time is spent on the legal gymnastics and parental battles that the true meaning behind all of parenting is lost– to nuture and rear your child in a loving, safe, and supportive environment.

Resources

Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties that Bind Symptoms of Parental Alienation Syndrome Book Review: Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties that Bind Long Term Reaction as a Result of Parental Alienation- Dr. L.F. Lowenstein Parenting Article: Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome Parental Alienation Syndrome — The Parent/Child Disconnect Parental Alienation Syndrome: A Developmental Analysis of a Vulnerable Population An Interview with Amy J. L. Baker, Ph.D. on Parental Alienation Syndrome

Parents aren’t perfect, we all make mistakes! So what are the 3 biggest mistakes parents of toddlers make? Author, Jen Singer, fills Parents TV Host Juli Auclair in on what the mistakes are and how we can fix them!
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Finding Birth Parents: Search for Biological Parents of Adopted Children

I am adopted – Where can I find my real parents

Do you want to find your real parents? Are you curious about where you came from, who your parents are and why they gave you up for adoption? If you’ve never known your biological parents then it’s only human nature that sooner or later you’ll start to wonder why it is that they left you. You may not want to meet them, especially when you find out what the’re like but I bet that you would like to know something about them even if you do it secretly.

Before the Internet and the availability of public records online the only way to find someone was either to spend a lot of time making enquiries in the places where you think the person may have resided or to spend money on a private detective who would do the work for you. The first option often meant a lot of traveling to follow up leads that you find. The second option is expensive and enough to make most people think twice about finding their lost parents.

Start searching for your biological parents by looking yourself up

You have to start somewhere and you aren’t going to get far unless you know the names of your parents and have at least an idea of where they lived when you were born. This information should be on your birth certificate but if you were adopted then you might not possess a copy. If you don’t have your real parents details then go online and look up information on yourself. You should be able to find the information that you need amongst the public birth records.

Armed with the information about your parents from your birth record you can now search for their details using the same online database. If you know their names and where they used to live you should be able to find out where they are located now.

And there’s more. When you start finding information on your parents you can find out much more than simply where they live. You can find telephone numbers, criminal records, marriage records, arrest records and all sorts of things that you never imagined.

Locate birth parents confidentially so that you decide if you want to contact them or not

You might have a burning desire to get in touch with your real parents or you might just be curious to know who they are and what they’ve been doing. You might not know yourself whether you want to contact them at this time. Either way there’s no harm in doing the searches and tracing your biological parents and possibly the rest of your real family because it’s all done with 100% confidentiality.

When you have the information you can decide what you are going to do with it. You can pick the phone up and call them or you can quietly ignore it and get on with your own life.

Using an online public records database to find people doesn’t work for everyone, some people just can’t be found, but it is the best and certainly the easiest way to search for someone by a long way. If you are even thinking about the parents that you’ve lost then you owe it to yourself to give this a try. You might get a very pleasant surprise and you don’t have anything to lose.

Issues for Immigrant Parents and Their Children

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Issues for Immigrant Parents and Their Children

Immigrant families to Canada and the United States can face many issues complicating their adjustment to the new host culture.

Often unconsidered is the implications for intra-familial culture clash when children take to the host culture sooner or more wholeheartedly than their parents. Risk of conflict between children and their parents is heightened on issues of socialization with opposite gender friends, developing friends of other cultures, issues of rights and freedoms and expectations for academic performance.

Further, it is important to appreciate that immigrant families come to Canada generally seeking to provide a better life for their children than what might have been available in their country of origin. Hence when these parents come up against conflict with their children owing to adaptation, the conflict can be felt by the parent as tremendous disrespect by the child who doesn’t understand the parents’ rationale and sacrifice in coming to the new country.

While there are common challenges faced between immigrant parents and children of both gender, risk of pregnancy is a potent issue that can intensify concerns for the well-being of girls. In addition, strong cultural imperatives with regard to dress, deportment and socializing with the opposite sex can at times place greater demands on girls than boys.

These differences can erupt into serious fights between daughters and parents. Even when a fight does not erupt, some teenaged girls may seek to lead a double-life; keeping secrets about relationships and even their dress when at school or in the community. Other teenaged girls may seek to subordinate their feelings to the will of their parents only to find themselves depressed and anxious over the difficulty with cultural and family adaptation.

Boys do face cultural imperatives and conflicts too, but the absence of risk of pregnancy can lessen the scrutiny placed upon them by parents. However, the boys may be more subject to high expectations for academic excellence, which may or may not be taken well. If not taken well, boys may come to reject their own family’s culture, falling prey to the illusions of freedom from authority by gravitating to counter-culture groups or gangs. This in turn can lead to a risk of conflict with the law and abject academic failure as well as extreme conflict with their family.

The challenge is on the parents to adapt and find reasonable strategies to support cultural expectations in view of the greater likelihood that their children will be affected and changed by the new host culture. It is less a question of whether the children will be changed by the host culture, but rather how and to what degree. Further, some immigrant parents may hail from cultures where the norm is to tell a child what to do and expect obedience. This quickly erodes for the children socialized particularly in western culture where individual freedom is valued and rewarded. Thus those parents who adjust and develop strategies that minimize the risk of conflict with their children stand the opportunity to remain more influential in their children’s lives than those parents who rely solely upon control strategies.

While not nagging their children, sharing stories as to why parents chose to immigrate and their hopes for their family’s future can inform their children as to their family aspirations. Further, when parents invite their children to engage in a dialogue about the differences between their respective lives non-judgmentally; parents and children may be apprised of their respective experiences and may be in a better position to discuss differences between themselves.

The challenge here is for the parents to develop skills that rely more upon influence than control. This can also be facilitated by participation and enjoyment of cultural activities and inviting their children’s new friends to join in. Co-opting children’s friends can serve as a better way of maintaining family integrity than isolating from friends.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
(905) 628-4847

gary@yoursocialworker.com
http://www.yoursocialworker.com

Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him an expert on child development, parent-child relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access recommendations, social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique on a Section 112 (social work) report. Call him for your next conference and for expert opinion on family matters. Services include counselling, mediation, assessment, assessment critiques and workshops.

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