Earn Money Google Directory

Earn Money Without Spend Money

more details at http://earn-money-google.com

Easy ways to earn money with Blog or Website !!!

follow step by step :

1. Create a blog with blogger.com

2. link exchange example : linkalizer , linkexchanged , gothimatch , religiousmall , linkadministrator

3. Join advertisement program, earn money with advertisement. example : adsense Google , revenuepilot , adbrite , bidvertiser and others

4. Join Affiliate program, earn money with affiliate program. example : SFI , clickbank , roiroket , LinkShare Affiliate!

5. Join Forums. Example : preCharge Community Forums , Free Advertising Blog

6. Join Articles. Example : article marketer ,

7. Join Press Releases : PRWeb.com , Pressbox.co.uk

8. Join Hit Exchanges. Example : trafficswarm , 123click , Hit Pulse

9. Join Building Network. Example : Your Luck List , 241Lead , Viral traffic list , List Dot Com

Search engine Positioning

you have submitted your blog at search engine and link exchange with others website company.

example : link exchange with earn-money-google.com

Reach On Top Ranking Position

Almost everyone uses search engines to find sites, and if your site doesn’t turn up on the first page of results you’re losing valuable traffic. Achieving a Top 10 ranking is vital to your success on the Web.

We will explain more details in the future as following :

1) What is a blog ?

** A blog is a simple web page that anyone can set up in minutes.

** Blog is a part of website. We take an example : XXX.com is a website. YYY.XXX.com is a blog. Are you understand now ? So, we can register a blog at blogger.com or wordpress.com or others.

** Having a blog is a vital part of making money on the internet.

** If you are looking for a way to start making money on the internet, and you have a budget that is very small or zero, blogging is a great way to get started.

2) How to create a blog ?

** Firstly, you have to prepare a blog address which includes a keyword phrase. (example : YYY.blogspot.com ,YYY is blog name) , title which includes your keyword and content info.

** After that, you can register at blogger.com or wordpress.com or others.

Example :

** Register at blogger.com step by step **

** (1) Click on ” CREATE YOUR BLOG NOW “

** (2) Fill out the form

** (3) Enter title and blog address

** (4) Choose a template

** (5) Start Posting

** (6) Enter title and Content

** (7) Click on Setting

** (8) Click on Publishing

** (9) Notify Weblogs.com change to “YES” (Weblogs.com is a blog update notification service that many individuals and services use to track blog changes.)

3) What we can take advantage from blog ?

** You can make money with a free blog

** Join advertisement program is free, earn money with advertisement. example : adsense Google , revenuepilot , adbrite , bidvertiser and others

** Join Affiliate program is free, earn money with affiliate program. example : SFI , clickbank , roiroket , LinkShare Affiliate!

** The cost for all is absolutely nothing

4) Why ping a blog ?

** Once you finish posting, you need to ping it. Pinging lets the blog directories know that something has changed. The search engines will come crawling / updating.

** Every time, you post new content to your blog, you need to ping it

5) How to ping a blog ?

** Click on http://pingomatic.com

6) How some people can make money & earn money over USD $ 20,000/month on the internet ?

** Some people use blog or website to create fortune online : such as advertisement , promote affiliate program, deliver newsletter, sell text link , sell ebooks and others.

** example : They use blog freely to earn money.

** 1 blog earn money at least $ 20.00 for one month , they create 1000 blog , how much they could earn ?

USD $ 20,000.00 . Is it easy ??? . They just join advertisement and affiliate program (all is free).

7) How to submit your blog or website to search engine ?

** Search Engine : Google , Yahoo , Msn and many others.

** Go to Google’s search engine, just type “add url google” , the listing will be displayed, you will see the title “add url google” on the listing, just click on and register it.

** Go to Yahoo’s search engine, just type “add url Yahoo” the listing will be displayed, you will see the title “add url Yahoo” on the listing, just click on and register it.

** Go to Msn’s search engine, just type “add url Msn” the listing will be displayed, you will see the title “add url Msn” on the listing, just click on and register it.

** Or, go to submit free to 50 Search Engine

BuildTraffic.net

How to promote blog or website on the internet ?

** Write an article relevant with your blog or website. Example : article marketer

** Join Forums. Example : preCharge Community Forums and others.

** The link exchange strategy is what will give you traffic in the long term and most important. example : linkalizer , linkexchanged , gothimatch , religiousmall , linkadministrator

** Join Hit Exchanges. Example : trafficswarm , 123click , Hit Pulse

** Join Press Releases : PRWeb.com , Pressbox.co.uk

** Join Building Network. Example : Your Luck List , 241Lead , Viral traffic list , List Dot Com

** Join PPC advertisement

9) What is PPC advertisement ?

** PPC – Pay Per Click.

** Earn money from your website or blog – get paid for every click

** Earn money with affiliate program that pays you for every click

You get paid for every visitor that clicks on an ad. You to make as much as possible from your advertising space, by letting advertisers bid on your ad space.

** Example PPC advertisement : adsense Google , revenuepilot , adbrite , bidvertiser and others

10) What is an Incoming links ?

This is a very important thing, because to reach TOP 10 in Google, Yahoo!, MSN and other major search engines, you have to get as much quality incoming links as you can. What is an incoming link? It is when someone links to your site from his webpage. And when you have more links to your web site, your rank goes up. The better quality of the link is, the better ranking boost your site receives in search results.

How to get such links?

There are many ways to develop a high number of incominig links to your website.

1. reciprocial linking – asking other webmasters for links and linking back to their websites in exchange. It used to be an effective method, but right now search engines discount the value of such links to zero.

2. cross linking – asking other webmasters for link from to your website, and linking back to their website from your OTHER website. A similar method may be used when you have only one website, but your linking partner has 2 or more websites – ask for link to your site from one of his sites, and link back to his OTHER website in exchange.

3. context linking – writing articles with links to your website in the article text (target your keyphrases or keywords!), or sponsoring other articles, that have high Google PR

4. automatic link building – with a help of an automated link building system

11) How/Where to register domain name ?

** Register domain name : Example Doteasy.com

more details at http://earn-money-google.com

The Blended Family ? Hopes, Fears, and Tasks

Hope springs eternal, and there’s nowhere that’s more true than a couple taking the leap of faith into a second marriage. To all those who dare to hope that their second marriage (or third, or fourth) will be better than the last, I say congratulations and good luck! It takes a lot of courage to open your heart to try again! But also, take heed: you’ll have a much better chance of success if you follow some very important guidelines, particularly if either of you have children.

Let’s face it: relationships can be a challenge. Any long term relationship between two people moves through a set of predictable and important stages, each stage bringing something rich and healing to the partners, and each stage filled with snags and potholes along the way, any one of which can capsize a relationship. In a first marriage, these developmental stages usually start out in the open – that is, without the complications of children. For instance, most couples usually go through an initial period of intense closeness and bonding, when friends complain that they don’t see you any more, and nothing seems more important or exciting than spending time with your new beloved. This is a wonderful and exciting time, and actually serves to build a strong foundation for a long term relationship. We in the field of couples counseling hope to see that a couple has been able to spend as much as two or three years in this honeymoon period. It’s kind of like putting down a very big deposit on a new home: you are investing a lot of equity in the relationship, so that when things get tough – and they will get tough – you both have a rich and full memory bank of good times, being in love, and knowing that the relationship is important to you both, to draw from. These rich memories give us the fortitude and determination to put effort into the relationship when it’s most needed.

Couples who already have children from a former relationship before they meet each other don’t have the luxury of years of time where it is “just us.” They hit the ground running, and moving in together, a challenging time for many couples, can feel like they’ve just been hired to run a company when they feel like they’re still in high school.

The Pitfalls – And What to Do About Them

Unrealistic Expectations: Parents Hope, Children Fear

If you have been in a marriage (throughout this article, the reference to marriage will always include any form of long-term committed relationship, particularly if you have lived together, including same-sex marriages) that ended, whether by divorce or the death of a spouse, you probably know how hard it is to overcome the dread of thinking you could go through it again. Most people I counsel who are going through a divorce say they can’t even imagine dating, and have terrible fears about daring to trust and become vulnerable to another person again.

But, time does heal, and remarriages are evidence of the hope that marks us as human beings. A funny thing happens when we fall in love: we lose some of our take on reality. Not only are we starry-eyed for our new love, we are starry-eyed about a future with our new love. Don’t feel bad – this is normal. But it sure helps to know what the expectations are, so we don’t feel so horrible – like we’ve failed yet again – when things don’t pan out the way we expect them to.

Great Expectations, Just Not Realistic

Here are just some of the expectations we as parents unwittingly bring to a second marriage:

- love will conquer all

- your children will love your new spouse, or even like them, instantly

- your partner’s children will appreciate all the things you do for them as a step-parent, and your partner will appreciate all your help in raising them

- that this marriage will be much better than the last one that failed

- for a better life

- that everyone will get along

- that your new spouse will make parenting easier – some even expect the new spouse to be the new nanny – the “Mary Poppins Myth”

- that the new marriage will automatically create the structure of the nuclear family, that you will be in a “real family” after all

- that your partner’s ex, and the ex’s family, will just go away. “I will have my new husband/wife all to myself.”

- that you as new spouse / step-parent will have an equal vote in the matters of the family

Of these expectations, I find the most common mistake that new step-parents make is in expecting these “new” kids to automatically love them. For the most part, it just doesn’t happen that way. The greatest gift you can give to your new blended family is to give the children plenty of time – even a year or two – to figure out that you’re safe, worthwhile, and then, maybe even likeable. But of course, that will only happen if it’s true.

Children Have Hopes Too, But Also Have More Fears

Children in blended families have expectations too, although they tend to be more realistic about not being in love with your new partner as much or as quickly as you are. But they have a lot to adjust to, much more than most parents realize.

- children hope to be happier in a stable family, in both emotional and tangible ways: more fun at family celebrations than when mom or dad was single. Less stress for mom or dad because they have found someone to share their difficulties with. And they hope to benefit from there being more money, more presents on their birthdays and holidays, maybe bigger TV’s in the living room. Kids are kids.

- they assume their biological parent will be just as doting on them as they were when they were single, but fear they will lose their parent to the new spouse

- they fear they will lose attention from mom or dad, who now has to tend to step-siblings and a more complicated family life. These fears come from the “Wicked Step-Mother Myth.” No one sees themselves as the wicked stepmother, but most of us see ourselves as Cinderella.

- they fear the new step-parent will disapprove of them simply for existing, and be a harsh disciplinarian. Even if the step-parent is not, the child may perceive him or her to be overly harsh, overly disapproving, since there isn’t as much of a counterpoint in the deep abiding love that comes with being a biological parent.

- they fear having to share their new lives with the unknown step-siblings: have to share a room, time with mom, mom’s loyalties, available money for college tuition or special trips, even inheritances.

- they fear losing contact with the non-custodial parent, especially if they allow themselves to get close to their new step-parent. They are very afraid of hurting the non-residential parent’s feelings. They may also fear having to live in two homes, and worry a lot about the parent they aren’t with when they are gone.

- children fear getting close to their new step-parent only to find that mom or dad will break up with them, too, initiating yet another devastating loss and feelings of abandonment. Kids desperately need to know they can attach to a parental figure and be safe from abandonment or neglect. Under their wariness of the new step-parent, there is often a longing to trust.

- children often hold on to the hope and even expectation that Mom and Dad will someday reunite. This is true even after one or both parents have remarried – young children can imagine that all of you – Mom, Dad, and Step-Parent, will live in one house happily ever after. Even older children, and even adult children, often long for the reunification of their biological parents.

Dealing With Expectations, Hopes and Fears – the Best Prevention

There’s no question hope is a good thing. It’s what keeps us going and motivates us to create better lives. The only trouble is when our hopes are misguided, unrealistic, and unexpressed. Too often they turn into expectations and just set us up for disappointment. After one failed marriage, disappointment too often makes a person feel they not only failed again, but that they are a failure. But such a tragic loss can be prevented by knowing what to expect.

It’s always smart to sit down with your partner and discuss as many of your expectations and assumptions as possible about family life (feel free to borrow from the list above.) It’s also a good question to ask of yourself and each other when problems do arise: what are the expectations I’ve brought to the situation? Often we expect too much, or we expect our partner to know what our own expectations are, to read our minds. They don’t, and they can’t. Even if they do know our hopes, even our assumptions, that doesn’t mean they can fulfill them, or that it’s even their job to make us happy. Keep in mind that building a strong and happy blended family is a very difficult task at best, and perhaps try to put your hopes on an extended time line. Know that each of these developments might be possible, but they will most undoubtedly take longer than you’d like. That they don’t just happen, but need our skills and patience to bring them about.

It’s also important to spend time alone with your biological children, and help them talk about their hopes and fears. If you can’t get yourself out of the way (i.e. you hope so desperately that they will love your spouse that you can’t stand it that they don’t yet like her or him) then support your child in having someone else to talk with – a counselor or another adult that they trust. It’s best if they can talk with you and tell you their fears, but remember they might be as afraid of telling you as they are of losing you. Children often resolve their issues easily once they know someone is listening, and this can prevent a lot of difficult behavior along the way.

Resentment and Jealousy – The Insider / Outsider Syndrome

No one wants to believe they enter into a new marriage only to feel excluded once the children become a part of the relationship. Yet this is one of the most predictable stages that occurs in blended families. The task of the new couple is to learn to create a sense of togetherness – to build on activities that bring teamwork and a sense of accomplishment for the team, for the two adults. While you have a ready-made set of challenges by virtue of the very existence of the children one or both of you brought to the marriage, this is a very difficult challenge to meet, especially as the first challenge in the marriage, because you have the task not just for you as a couple but for you as an extended family. When it doesn’t happen, instead of feeling like a happy, well-unified family, almost everyone feels like an outsider.

The step-parent feels like an outsider because they are just joining a team (biological parent and her or his kids) that has been going strong for years. There are hundreds of “inside jokes,” secret non-verbal communication that has developed naturally between parent and child, between siblings, and lots of subtle references made about people who are known only to the biological family. The step-parent is also not yet seen as an authority figure, a true parental disciplinarian, and is often undermined by the biological parent. This makes the step-parent feel like there is no place for them, and they often retreat with the attitude of Why bother?

The child or children often feel like outsiders of the new love affair between the biological parent and the new step-parent. If a child has become the subject of shared custody with both biological parents, and spend roughly equal time with both biological parents, they often don’t have a primary home. After a week at Dad’s, coming back to Mom and Step-Dad can make the child feel like he or she is “just visiting.” There’s a certain hidden luxury for couples whose children spend time with the divorced parent in that they get regular time off from parenting, and can enjoy a semblance of “married without children” time together. They can get close again, and recharge their batteries. But when the children come back, it can feel like they are intruding on the romantic time of the new couple. There are changes in the household they haven’t been a part of, even if it’s as simple as a housecleaning. And while the parents are adjusting to the children being back, sensitive kids will pick up that they have just interrupted something, as if you are smoothing out your clothes from an intimate moment.

If both partners have children and one set of kids lives with another parent and “visits” the other parent who is now in a new marriage, the “visiting children” feel like outsiders to the new nuclear family. As a child I visited my Dad in Germany, where he lived for 19 years with his second wife and two children from their marriage. I hardly knew my dad, let alone his second wife and my half-brother and half-sister. While they were very welcoming and loving, and accepted me readily into their “tribe,” there was no question who the new person was. I felt like a stranger in my dad’s home. After my mother remarried, her second husband’s two children, who lived with their mother, would visit occasionally, until they were old enough to choose on their own not to come anymore. They felt so unwelcomed by my mother, and even their father (my step-father) that it was painful to be with us. My step-brother told me much later that he thought we – my mother and sisters, were his father’s “real family,” while he and his sister, my step-father’s “real kids,” were the result of a big mistake. I had had exactly the same feeling about my relationship with my father and his second family. Another example is when a step-parent has bonded so well with his new family that the new set of children, whether stepchildren or biological children with the new spouse, trump the children from the former marriage. This plays out at important family functions, where the biological children play no part – even at the parent’s funeral.

The only one who doesn’t feel like the outsider in this family structure is the biological parent. Far from having the “easy role,” they must play the mediator, and often feel terribly torn between children and spouse. Most of the responsibility of making the new family structure work seems to fall on their shoulders. Often it’s easier for the biological parent to maintain the single-parent role with their kids; as if the parent just happens to have a live-in boyfriend / girlfriend, even once they are married. The continuing challenge of keeping each side of the equation – kids and spouse – happy is like walking a tightrope. Some will come to the task, exhausting as it is, and keep trying to cultivate a relationship between spouse and children. Some will give up when it seems like the two sides will never meet. Some biological parents, often the father, will actually pull away from one side or the other – his kids or his wife – because trying to integrate them is too hard. This is sad because it can lead to defeat of the marriage, and no one wins.

The tug of war is even more compounded when one or both ex-spouses are co-parenting their children. That ex-spouse usually comes with his or her family, with whom the biological parent must at least cooperate for the sake of the children. If both partners of the new marriage have children and an ex-spouse who co-parents, this new marriage must balance relationships and in-laws in multiple directions!

From Lonely Outsider to “Doh-Si-Doh”: Finding the Rhythm of the Dance

There’s no way that everybody will feel central to the family all the time. The task is to make it normal for everyone to be in a dance with each other, and to make the dance fun. Another essential task of a marriage is for the couple to become comfortable with each other’s separateness, or individuation – following the call of their own life development. This can be a stumbling block for many couples who resist the shift away from an early symbiotic closeness where everything they do is together. However, making this shift is essential for a successful marriage. It will also help tremendously in countering insecurities when jealousies between children and spouses arise. In essence, it’s about finding the balance where everyone needs the biological parent – the hub of the family – just a little bit less, and hopefully begin to interact with each other – step-parent and step-children, step-siblings with each other – more and more.

Step-parents can be creative about ways to connect with their new spouse’s kids. It’s a good idea for parents to discuss how the step-parent can be more involved, from attending parent/teacher conferences at school to teaching a child a skill the step-parent can do, attending basketball games together, or just taking the time to listen to the child’s telling of their day. I’ve found that when kids don’t open up right away, sometimes just hanging out in the same room, without the TV on, gives rise to conversation. And conversation gives rise to, well, finding out things about your kids. By the way, the challenge of spending non-TV time together with kids is not limited to blended families – everybody struggles with this. The first thing to do is turn off the TV, then look around for a fun way to get out of the house – together.

Balance of Power, Not Power Struggle

Not only is there a challenge in balancing alliances and keeping everyone happy. There’s often a tug of war for power.

Often in a divorce suit one parent is hoping to have more control over their children’s lives than the other parent. However, more and more often, both parents share joint custody, which means both parents have to communicate in decision-making for their kids. This is troublesome enough, but it can also lead to confusion for the new step-parent: just how involved should the new step-parent be?

A new step-parent has a difficult role to fill: is he or she a parent, a friend, a baby-sitter, or a mere adult who happens to share living space? The unfortunate side-effect to not knowing the answer to this question is that the child or children often end up with too much power. Instead of the parents acting as a team, children learn they can pit one parent against the other. They do this in biological nuclear families, but they do it even more in blended families. Children can manipulate their biological parent to feel guilty (it’s an easy place to go – parents usually feel guilty already for a divorce) for not giving them what they want. A biological parent feels uneasy about the new step-parent’s style of giving discipline, so they step in to “save” the child. The new step-parent loses their power, and the child learns he or she can get away with just about anything.

Sometimes a new step-parent will feel they have to make up for a deficit in a former spouse’s shortcomings as a parent, and “straighten the kids up.” This usually meets with defeat, and resentment on all ends. Maybe the “corrective” parenting style of a step-parent can be effective in time, but only after an initial relationship-building period has occurred, establishing a strong sense of respect and acceptance on both sides. This can and usually does take years. Until then, the step-parent is best situated to remain a firm and friendly authority figure who supports the biological parent’s role.

It is important that neither the biological parent nor the step-parent give up their role as the responsible adult in the house. In time the children will find comfort rather than resentment in the structure that you uphold. Keep in mind an interesting piece of research about children and their need for boundaries: Researchers observed children playing in a back yard. In the first case the yard was open to the neighborhood, no fence or closure. The children played together huddled close to each other and close to the house. In the next case the children played in the same size yard, this time with a secure fence around it. The children enjoyed the full length of the yard, now confident they were safe with a known boundary in place. Lesson: children need structure, boundaries, and the firm and aware presence of a competent adult in their midst. While they might outwardly bristle at parental discipline, underneath they feel relieved. They are not adults, and no matter what they might say, they really do know they want and need the adults to be in charge.

Trouble Signs – What to Watch Out For

Every family has its ups and downs, and some families have extra challenges with “high-need” children, or even “high-need” parents. A certain amount of strife is to be expected, and should not cause alarm.

However, some things are sure signs a relationship is in trouble. Here is a list that has been cultivated by many couples therapy specialists with decades of experience. Take a look, and if any of these signs has been occurring for more than a few weeks, it’s time to get some help. Remember, we didn’t come into this world knowing how to build rockets without lots of training. Why should we expect that managing the foibles of a blended family should be an easier?

1. The couple has stopped talking with each other about family issues, and even avoid each other’s company. When they do talk, it is laced with sarcasm, a deadly form of indirect anger. This is a big red flag, because it represents a breakdown in willingness to work as a team, and suggests hopelessness has set in. Many people find dealing with conflict to be difficult, which it is, until we’ve learned some effective conflict-resolution skills. Take heart: these skills work, and many therapists can help you learn them with your spouse. It’s actually easier than you think, and tremendously rewarding to actually resolve problems.

2. The household has become a democracy, in that the children are too involved in making decisions. It’s the parents’ role to make the decisions for the children, who feel burdened by too much responsibility. It has been a trend in the last generation or two to give children more of a voice in family matters, in reaction to a much more repressive parenting style in the ‘40’s and ‘50’s. I think this is a good change – kids deserve to be listened to, and probably need to be heard even more. But being listened to is a separate process from kids making decisions, which must remain firmly in the hands of the adults. When adults have given too much responsibility to their children, it suggests the parents have trouble being adults themselves.

3. Some parents get into a competition about their kids, and which kids will benefit from the family resources. It becomes “my kids vs. your kids.” Once parents become polarized like this, nobody wins and everyone feels uneasy. Again, parents will benefit by talking it out with each other and developing a policy that everyone knows and agrees to. This often shows up more in older families, where couples have adult children who are expecting family benefits, like college tuition, wedding expenses, help with a down payment on a house, or even inheritances. Often, couples have a hard time getting past their fears of talking openly about what they feel comfortable with. It’s better, however, to talk it through than to wait to see how it plays out.

4. Parents are not using relationship skills to problem-solve family issues. Instead, one or the other parent unilaterally takes over parenting, disregarding the other parent’s contribution. Many step-parents have not been parents before the marriage, and don’t feel confident in their skills. The easiest thing is for the biological parent to assume full control. This might be appropriate in the beginning, but over time it is important to bring in the parental role of the step-parent, and when there are situations that he or she doesn’t know how to handle, that’s the time to ask for help from the biological parent. It’s okay to be a learner. There’s no one way to be the perfect parent, or there wouldn’t be radical parenting style shifts from one generation to the next. We are all experimenting. The biological parent has been practicing since their children’s birth. Many step-parents will enroll in a parenting class, such as Love and Logic, and many others. And all of us will regress to our own parents’ style (no matter how much we hated it growing up) when we are stressed. It takes a lot to be a good parent, so don’t beat yourself up, but do use resources.

5. The step-parent resents the biological parent’s kids coming to visit. This usually comes up after the routine has settled in and the step-parent finds that the biological children are not as accepting of the new spouse as they had hoped, or the kids are trouble-makers. “They just won’t warm up to me,” I often hear. This always suggests there is an underlying problem, where someone, often the children and the spouse, feel like outsiders. There is usually some difficult history here that needs to be dealt with – the “visiting” children didn’t get properly taken care of during a nasty divorce, or they resent their parent for moving on from the original family, or perhaps the step-parent is stuck in their expectation that their new life wouldn’t be “intruded upon” by the “leftovers” of a former marriage. These are tough images, but they do come up for people. When they do, it’s a strong indicator they would benefit from therapy. Most all of us come from imperfect families, and drag along our childhood wounds to our adult lives. There’s no shame in that, but hopefully we’ll be able to work on these issues without hurting the people we love. Therapy is a good way to do that.

6. The new step-parent feels like the new nanny. This is what I call the “Mary Poppins Myth,” that some people hope their new partner will fill the role of parent while the biological parent continues their life at work or is otherwise removed from the daily tasks of family life. Some couples agree to this arrangement, but forget to take into account that the children will be less eager to accept the new full time parent. Some partners don’t even realize they’ve put such a burden on their new spouse, but think of it as fulfilling a family tradition: “this is just how it’s done.” Whether it’s your tradition or not, you are still in a marriage that will require much more compromise and, in our culture, more equal footing. Otherwise, it is a setup for resentment to set in.

7. The children have stopped talking to the step-parent. In the first year or two, children are likely to be more ambivalent about getting close to the step-parent. But if they have moved closer and then have pulled back, there’s trouble. It’s important to investigate it sooner than later. Kids are generally less able to talk about problems than adults are, and can be even more reluctant to say something negative about a step-parent. Yet, if they feel hurt by a step-parent, and find that their biological parent is “siding with” the step-parent, the child feels more and more excluded, unimportant, and unwanted. Who wouldn’t feel angry? When this situation is allowed to ferment, long-term estrangement can develop, and that can take years to resolve. I have seen this over and over again, and the sad thing about it is that it usually starts with something very simple and mundane. The problem is that the small issues start to translate as a larger pattern or attitude – a chronic dynamic that everyone comes to expect. Again, this can happen in original (non-divorced) families as easily as in blended families, but it can be so destructive that it bears discussing here. When it gets to the point that no one can talk about it without a big blow-up, you do have another choice other than giving up: see a couples counselor. It’s better to start with couples counseling first because very often the underlying problems reside with the couple. If necessary, a session or two can include a child, to help everyone share their story and be heard. It’s always amazing to me how much is discovered by partners when they talk about things in therapy. Even after living together for years, there’s so much they don’t know about each other, often because they don’t know what questions to ask, and they often have a hard time hearing the answers. Couples therapists are skilled at helping everyone truly be heard. Once you know how the other person feels underneath the surface issue, much more resolution is possible.

Overwhelming Doesn’t Mean Impossible – Therapy Can Help!

If taking on a blended family seems overwhelming, take heart: it is. But it can also bring tremendous joy when those hard won moments finally happen, and your spouse’s child voluntarily offers a kind word, or even a small hand. When your step-daughter asks you to walk her down the aisle. When your stepson surprises you years later with a simple thank you for being a part of his life.

So many options and directions for growth open up when a couple comes to therapy. Some people think therapy is “just for nuts,” that needing therapy is a clear sign of weakness or that if you need it, something is wrong with you. That might have been true decades ago, but both therapy and the people who use it have changed a lot in the last several years. Most of the people I see are very ordinary people who are needing a little guidance in an area of their lives, or they might feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the life task set before them. Couples work is usually short term, and can help a family shift quickly to a much more satisfying way of life. Unfortunately, too many couples wait until they are on the brink of divorce before getting help, and by then it is usually too late. Some therapists advocate treating marriage like we take care of our cars: we bring them in for tune-ups. I personally have found NOTHING more challenging than being in a marriage and raising a child, and believe the help gained through therapy is the best resource there is.

Above all, when a blended family succeeds, it gives everyone the experience that marriage can work, family can be a good thing, and that we are lucky to come from family who loves us. I am hearing this more and more in my practice as grown children from blended families are able to look back with appreciation for their parents’ struggles and accomplishments. I’m also seeing more adult children whose parents, disengaged from them at some point because of divorce, have reunited and have learned to become friends. So often, these healed relationships begin with one simple gesture: reaching out.

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Thanks to the following people for their resources, knowledge, and wisdom, and their generosity in sharing it.

Dr. James Bray, author of Step Families: Love, Marriage, and Parenting in the First Decade, Broadway Books, 1998.

Ellyn Bader of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA.

The following therapists who contributed to my understanding of issues in blended families: Roxanne Barksdale, LCSW, Amy McNulty, Ph.D., Jean Sutton, LPC, Jean Pollock, LCSW, Janet Bychek, LCSW, and Don Wilde, Ph.D.

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For More Articles by Therapists on this and other Topics, go to http://www.therapylinx.com.

Blended family: Wish or Compromise!

Remarriage affect the power dynamics within marriage. It witness changes in men and women in terms of marital power across their first-marriage, divorce and remarriage. It is observed that male ego and social setup cannot tolerate women’s market worth more when he compares with his worth! On the contrary domestically oriented women do undergo a feeling of loss of power. These circumstances pave the way for remarriage and formation of blended families. It surely affects the market work, marital and divorce experiences and their working atmosphere.

Formation of blended family or stepfamily is a step to meet and fulfill the desires of each other as in these families one or both partners have been married before and has lost a spouse through divorce or death, and may have children from the previous marriages. Blending of two families not only encompasses two people coming together but also their children get an acceptance from the opposite partner and his/her children.

Only by visualizing one cannot discriminate between the composition of first-marriage families and blended families, but when observed closely then there do occur a drastic difference in terms of marital conflicts. Blended families are structurally more complex as it comprises more family members. Children along with the adults (new parents) of blended family have to share more relations making the family tree from simple to complex. This results in amplification of the possibilities for conflict. Also the range of types of relationships also can lead to a greater likelihood of family disputes (Borrine Brown & Handal, 1991).

This complexity can also affect the psychology of the child because of lack of family boundaries; this also affects the discipline of the family affecting the judgment for a child who is the part of family, whom to accept to what extent it is going to affect his / her position in the family. It becomes difficult for the child even more when blending occurs, but couple is living in cohabitation. This affects the psychology to a greater extent and the child may drop faith in relationships and family system. One of the biggest issues now-a-days is to deal with child psychology as today; children are more aware and know most of the issues prior to their age. If the child psychology is disrupted then it may lead to abnormal behavior, child delinquency, or the child may refrain from the society. This childhood agony and behavioral disturbances lead the child to follow the path of wrong actions and deeds (Stewart, 2005). It is therefore imperative to carry out a study to investigate the pervasiveness and nature of boundary ambiguity in stepfamilies.

Due to lack of proper understanding, and uncertainties in terms of the roles, responsibilities, privileges, obligations and duties of stepparents are not comprehensible in contrast to the biological parents (Borrine Brown & Handal, 1991). Step parents remain perplexed and may perhaps not know how to act and develop understanding towards their step children, whether to be an adult companion, authoritarian, a compassionate adult, a secluded adult or some other role required to fulfill the demands of the children of both sides.

Furthermore, family members in stepfamilies have diverse histories. When two partner marry they set up a joint family culture with their own customs, prototypes and distinctiveness and their children adopt the same traditions as an essential part of their lives. Children are shaped and brought up according to this culture, but when parents are separated and they encounter a new relationships in the family they are lost in resolving their identity and it becomes cumbersome for the child or children to overcome the stress and confusion developed because of blending of two different families. When the demands of biological child is not fulfilled, agony and criticism creeps in the family with much greater intensity then the first marriage. (Borrine Brown & Handal, 1991).

Another issue is of loyalty and commitment resulting in triangulating behaviors of the children. Financial issues to support the step child may also become one of the major reasons of conflict. Issues also relate the nonresidential parents and culminate in the form of competition among stepsiblings for everything. This conflict is depicted in the psychology of the child or children.

Over the past four decades, income inequality has increased and family structures have diversified. Women are also contributing equally in the financial matters leading to conflicts over the satisfaction of egos. When they are not able to cope with the situation and tension persists it leads to separation of the partners. It is also observed that in gender inequalities, it is the mother who incur more child-related costs then the father (Weaver, 2001).

It is observed that some important changes in the social framework took place over 25 years where men and women form partnered relationships. This came in picture with the changes in the area of partnering, due to increase in the living relationships also called as cohabilitation. This is followed by entering into relationship and marriage, then remarriage; it also depends on the timing of the marriage in the life course.

The family trend is changing now showing a rise and fall of the married population. According to 2001 Australian census, around 52% of population above 15 years is married, as compared to 65% in 1971. Statistical analysis on the frequency of marriage provides a depiction only about the marriage and not about the broken marriage that have ended in divorce or widowhood. The decline in the ration of marriages does not indicate that people are not marrying but indicates that people have lost reliance on the marriage system and social trends resulting in the emergence of new epoch of families which encouraged early and universal marriage.

It is observed that what is said to be the stigma if a women conceives before marriage, now cohabilitation is bringing open sexual relationships and use of birth control pills and other means of contraception to evade the chances of bearing the burden of child (McDonald, 1995).

The trend also depict that in order to procure high status and position, and to meet the challenges of the growing competition, the demand for skilled work force is on a rise. This has led them to attain tertiary education; there is a cut down in the numbers of early school leavers finding full time paid work. To meet the growing demands and challenges thrown upon everyday and to prove oneself, early marriage is avoided by the young population. They are aware and do not want to share the additional burden of family and responsibilities. This turned out to be the major factor to discourage early marriage and there occurred a rise in cohabilitation and delays in marriage (McDonald, 1995). It is also observed that marrying before the age of 25 is becoming relatively uncommon for both the sexes. (ABS 2001)

Factors contributing to formation of blended family/ extended family

Various factors can change the destiny of a child and the life of spouse. With the changing trends women are also working equally as compared to men, it is reflected in her confidence. She is capable of managing home as well as office and therefore is not all that docile to be tamed easily by the dominance of male. If the preferences match they stay together for life with a positive understanding and progressive temperament. She is the one who is solely responsible to make the family and break the family because she is of course a mother too. What step she is going to take today leaves great impact on the next generation. Both partners must not be mean to think about them only rather they should think constructively in the direction of family bonding.

The financial security of the women has also supported the formation of blended family as now she is not docile to hear and tolerate the harassment made by her husband in front of children as this disturbs their psychology and so she moves out of the relationship.

The intimacy of the family bonding in life of a child comes from the family. It is the family which shapes the lives and a person with this persona grows up and also formulates similar relationships with the life partner. If the individual is a creation of blended family, the psychology must be different and this may be constructive and respectful if the blending is towards positive direction or negative if the psychology has faced some kind of family impact and is deep rooted in the mind.

To avoid the bad influence of male partner on her child women moves out of the relationship of first marriage and remarry with the partner who does not have bad habits of drinks and smoking.

It is evident that children during their formative years are influenced by teachers, sports, Scouts, their peer group, school, neighborhood, and the like, but the real influence in any child’s life comes from home. It is therefore crucial that the relationship between children and their parents is runny, self-motivated and activated to boost the morale of the child throughout the life of child.

It is pragmatic that when child is born, the entire family environment changes. It is vital that parent’s interaction with the elder child/ children must be congenial as it determines the child’s final destiny. Divorce / death of a parent is a major change and a major influence on a child and the family. If there is a blended family in the family tree, as there are in most families now in U.S. it leaves impact on the child.

It is therefore blending families not only invites troubles but they tend to change the psychology of the child. Kids of different ages and genders will adjust differently. The physical and emotional needs of a 2 year old girl are different than that of a 13 year old boy. Parents must develop an understanding between themselves (as spouses) and must understand the psychology of the child/ children before expecting the perfect blend of the families. There occur a drastic difference between the reaction of boys and girls towards acceptance of stepparents. Both boys and girls in stepfamilies tend to prefer spoken love, friendliness such as praises or compliments, rather than physical closeness, like hugs and kisses. It is natural that girls tend to be tight with physical displays of warmth from their stepfather as compared to boys who accept a stepfather more quickly.

People who have an insecure attachment record may have troubles ascertaining close, loving bonds with new people. Providentially, it is by no means too late to modify this propensity. An uncertainly attached child (or adult) can learn to trust others, and bond with people who treat him with consistent affection, attention, and respect.

How to achieve success in the organization of blended family

Generating and establishing trust is the major contributing factor. The children may feel uncertain about their new “family” and resist parental efforts to get to know them. It is normal, they need lot of love care and affection and time for the understanding to be framed.

By creating clear, safe boundaries in blended families, an important part of building trust in a family has to do with discipline. This is done when couples discuss the role of each stepparent and formulate the changes in household rules. Stepparent must establish a more of a friend or counselor role rather than a disciplinarian. It is imperative that kids must be given time till that time the biological (custodial) parent must remain primarily responsible for discipline until the stepparent has developed solid bonds with the kids. The stepparents and stepchildren must try to understand the rules and boundaries are for everyone in the family (blended family).

The spouses must deal with differences in a congenial and co-operative manner to turn the merged families into a success. This is achieved by understanding what are the differences in parenting, discipline, lifestyle, etc. and to make it a priority. Agreeing on some consistent guidelines and strategies will show the kids that parent and stepparent intend to deal with issues in a similar way. This should diminish some feelings of unfairness.

Keeping the parents involved in the blended family make the children adjust better as they have access to both biological parents. This generates feeling of trust and understanding for the parents love and care for the child and motivates the child towards positive direction.

Conclusion

Blended Families often can use some encouragement, hope, motivation and insight. Remarriages seem to be popular these days, across all age groups, previously married men and women are more likely to marry then those who had never married (McDonald, 1995). For example while 71 per 1000 never married men in their late 20s and early 30s married in 2000, 103 to 104 per 1000 previously married men in these age groups remarried in 2000.

Remarriages have become more outstanding in late 1970s that in first three quarters of the 20th century. Only 10% of the marriages were involved in remarriage in 1911, that increased to 17% in 1955 and now over 1/3rd of the marriages each year culminate into remarriage (ABS 2001). This is explained in terms of increased divorced population since the Family Law Act 1975 came into process. This is one of the major reasons that more people are turning to remarriages.

The rise and fall of marriage is also due to changing nature of marriage formation. The rise of cohabitation corresponds the modern decline in marriages. One of the most important changes in partnership formation is the increasing tendency for couples to cohabit before they marry. Premarital cohabitation was virtually non-existent before 1960s and only 16% couples who married in 1975 cohabited. While in 1980s around half of all marrying couples cohabited in advance while in 2001, 72% of couples who married had lived together first. The trend is changed that it becomes unusual now if they do not live together before marriage (ABS, 2001).

A marked turnaround in attitudes to cohabitation has ascertained that these trends are both contributing and fuelling the young generation. When cohabitation was virtually non-existent a feeling of strong stigma was attached to such behavior and to sexual relationships outside marriage which is now evaded (McDonald, 1995).

One of the major reasons is the age at which relationship is formulated that also paves the way for remarriages and formation of blended family. With the increasing trends in cohabitation followed by marriage, the age matures and first relationship develops at the age of around 24 years which is more as compared to the previous trends (McDonald, 1995).

Thus there have been important changes in the way in which men and women form couple relationships. The proportion of the adult population that is married has declined since the period after World War II. Both men and women spend a considerable part of their adult life without being married, and are now older when they are married. Formal marriage is no longer the only way in which people partner ever since the cohabitation came in existence. Moreover, with the changing trends of jobs and working atmosphere the colleagues spend more time together then with the family and spouse this has also forced them to have divorce from the spouse and form a blended family with the partner of the choice.

The hassle of family disputes can be resolved with a proper understanding to avoid any kind of breaks and leaving a psychological impact on the children and also on the adults.

References

1. ABS (2001), Marriages and Divorces Australia 2000 Catalogue No. 3310.0, Australian Bureau of Statistics, Canberra.

2. Borrine M.L., Brown N.Y., & Handal P.J., Searight H.R. (1991) Family Conflict and adolescent adjustment in intact, divorced, and blended families. Journal of Consulting and clinical Psychology 59, 753-755.

3. Stewart, S.D. (2005). Boundary Ambiguity in Stepfamily. Journal of Family Issues 26; 1002.

4. Stewart, S.D. (2000) Brave New Stepfamilies. Diverse Paths Toward Stepfamily Living
Task, S.H., Hamon R.R. (2007) Cultural Diversity and Family. Expanding Perspective.

5. McDonald, P (1995) Australian families: Values and behavior” in R. Hartly (ed) Families and Cultural Diversity in Australia Australian Institute of Family SStudies, Melbourne in conjunction with Allen and Unwin Publishers, Sydney

6. Weaver S. E., Umana-Taylor A.S., & Hans D. J., Malia S. E. (2001) Challenges Family Scholars May Face in Studying Family Diversity. A focus on Latino Families, Stepfamilies and Reproduction Technology. Journal of Family Issues 22; 922

Increase Your Financial IQ Book Review ? Part 2: Protecting Your Money

Once you have learned to solve problems and earn some money, the next thing you need to do is to protect that money from what Robert Kiyosaki calls “financial predators”.  Real world predators do not always look the part. Sometimes, they are ordinary people with well-meaning intentions.  Their job is to “legally” take money from your pocket…and your job is to “legally” have them take as little as possible.

According to the book, there are 7 financial predators you need to protect your money from.  They are:

Bureaucrats who legally take money from you through “taxes” Taxes are your single largest expense Know which type of income you’re earning money from and paying in taxes Earned Income – salary, commission, etc Portfolio Income – income from paper assets such as interests, dividends, etc Passive Income – royalties, rental income from real-estate, licensing, etc Bankers who legally take money from you through “fees” Banks and credit card companies charge you with all kinds of fees, some of them you or your company might not even be aware of For every dollar you have in the bank, the bank can lend out twenty dollars to your credit card.  The bank pays you 5 percent for one dollar and makes 20 percent on twenty dollars.  That is how banks make money. Brokers who legally take money from you through “commissions” Look for brokers who are students of their profession and invest in what they sell For real-estate brokers, ask them how many properties they are invested in. For stock brokers, ask them which stocks they personally invest in. “Good” brokers make you rich, “bad” brokers make you poor.  Build a relationship with “good” brokers. Businesses who legally take money from you through “profits” Buy products that make you rich Poor people buy products that make them poor, paying them for years with a very high interest rate Brides and Beaus who legally take money from you through “alimony/marital asset split” Get a prenuptial agreement before you marry Think of your exit plan before you enter into the agreement Brothers-in-law who legally take money from you through “inheritance or financial wishes” Consult an estate planning specialist to plan your exit Use legal vehicles such as wills & trusts to protect your wealth from death predators Barristers who legally take money from you through “court & legal fees” Hold assets of value in legal entities instead of your own name You must buy insurance before you need it…not the moment you need it.

Rich Money Habits Review Notes:

Protecting your money is like plugging holes.  You first need to be aware what the holes are before you can actually plan on fixing them to stop the cash from flowing out. Learning to protect your money is a never ending process as the rules regularly change.  The ways to protect your money yesterday may no longer be able to protect your money today or tomorrow. Protecting your money reduces your expenses. The more money you keep, the more money you can utilize for productive endeavors.

The Resurrection of the African-American Family

The Resurrection of the African-American Family

            I admit that I had deep reservations about writing this essay.  I had doubts, uncertainties, and insecurities.  Would I be able to clearly and concisely capture my strong opinions and emotions about a sensitive subject and its relevance in history?  After much deliberation, I decided I had no choice but address this topic that merited my attention. Ultimately, my subject chose me as a conduit to reveal both unpleasant truths (past and present) and hope for the future.

            Writing about issues of race is challenging.  As much as our society has evolved, most people are uncomfortable with the realities of slavery in America and its aftermath.  I suspect this is one of the reasons J. H. Plumb neglected to make any references to the black family in America or its unique history in his essay, “The Dying Family” (Plumb 6-10).  Hundreds of years of slavery killed the original African family unit. However, contrary to Plumb’s assertions regarding the fragmenting of family life in general, the black American family is reinventing itself and becoming more cohesive.

            It is impossible to consider the plight and future of the black American family without first considering family life in sub-Saharan Africa before slavery spread throughout the Western world.  Nathan Irvin Huggins, a professor of history at Columbia University states, “the traditional family in Africa extended itself beyond the nuclear group, linking in mutual obligation much of the village itself” (Huggins 162).  An African village thrived when its families fulfilled specific needs of the collective group.  There was little sense of individualism or autonomy.  Each family in a village benefited from the success of other families in the village.  Likewise, if the village suffered economic or social hardship, all of its families were affected.  For instance, if there was a severe drought, the entire village was susceptible to famine.  Therefore, the families of the village cooperated with one another to secure food from other sources.  If a family stored food in preparation of a natural disaster, it was shared with the other village families without expectation of payment in return.  The village was the extension of family.  This type of organization worked because every family made contributions to benefit their neighbors.  Within individual families, the hierarchical arrangement meant that each family member fulfilled an important, valuable role.  Ownership of property was collective.  This concept is difficult to fathom because we live in a world where the entrepreneurial spirit is prized and individual success is valued.  However, traditional family life in Africa was successful within a very different social dynamic, and had been successful for centuries, perhaps millenniums, in Africa (Huggins 162).  Unfortunately, the slave trade permanently disrupted this way of life for about ten million Africans sold into slavery (Blassingame 5).

            The Western concept of ownership could not have been fathomed by most Africans.  Africans sold into slavery became property.  Lack of ownership of their very bodies made traditional family life impossible.  They were no longer members of a collective village.  In fact, the family unit itself was destroyed.  John W. Blassingame, former professor of history at Yale University, asserts “the most brutal aspect of slavery was the separation of families” (Blassingame 173).  Some owners of slaves prohibited marriage between slaves.  If slaves were permitted to marry, they faced the reality that they would not be able to care for and raise their own children.  They lived in constant fear of separation from their offspring; the weight of this real threat no doubt haunted them.  A miserable condition of the absence of a cohesive, permanent family lasted “between the sixteenth and the mid-nineteenth century” for enslaved Americans (Blassingame 5).  But would the destruction of the traditional African family permanently disable blacks in America from creating a new family model?  American history reveals that they eventually were able to reestablish family life.

            Reestablishment of the black family structure did not happen immediately when slavery became illegal and blacks were granted freedom.  Sometimes, newly freed blacks traveled hundreds of miles to reunite their families and search for relatives.  Usually, their searches were fruitless, leaving them with no choice but to begin new lives, forever separated from relatives (Huggins 239-240).  Huggins even argues that “the loss of communality” continued to have disastrous consequences on the black family over seven decades into the twentieth-century (Huggins 246).  This account of black history is painful, but it is a story that would not be hopeless.

            In recent years, historians have observed the resilience of the black family unit despite media depictions of desperation.  Stephanie Coontz, an historical author at Evergreen State College, notes that “young African Americans receive less material aid from their families and contribute more income to their families than do white youth” (Coontz 189).  Coontz also relates other positive trends among black families in comparison to their white counterparts.  For example, African-American women have made “the largest income gains relative to men of any economic group” (Coontz 254).  Black high school seniors are setting the trend for the decline in drug use in schools. Black husbands do more to support their wives in housework and childcare than white husbands (Coontz 254).  This is just a truncated list of reasons why one can be optimistic about the future of the black family.  There is more powerful evidence than these facts. 

            During the early 1980′s, blacks discovered a new way to “redefine and rebuild the family social system,” according to M.H. Zoll, a national free-lance journalist (Zoll).  They began a tradition of annual family reunions.  Extended families began to meet during summers over three-day weekends. Reconnection with family guided those who spearheaded the reunions.  Now, every year, thousands of American black families unite in celebration of their kinship and heritage.  Ancient African traditions are “revitalized” (Zoll).  The youngest members of families are exposed to the history, stories, and legends passed down from the oldest family members.  Together, extended families are able to trace their family roots using census data, property records, and real estate deeds through access of public records now available on government information internet sites (Zoll).  Hard work and ingenuity have resulted in the organization of sustainable reunions, often resulting in complex webs of extended families linked across the country.

            Despite this marvelous progress, it would be inaccurate to depict family life among all black Americans as being utopian.  Single parenthood, unemployment, and poor housing are still problems that adversely affect maintaining a nuclear family among blacks.  These same issues are faced, not only by blacks, but by other poverty stricken ethnic groups.  These are not racial problems. They are socio-economic problems that plague modern society as a whole (Coontz 253).

              

Works Cited

Blassingame, John W.  The Slave Community–Plantation Life in the Antebellum South.  New York: Oxford University Press, Inc.  1972.

Coontz, Stephanie.  The Way We Never Were. New York: Harper Collins Publishers, Inc.  1992.

Huggins, Nathan Irvin.  Black Odyssey–The African-American Ordeal in Slavery.  New York: Random House, Inc.  1977.

Plumb, J. H.  “The Dying Family”  The Little, Brown Reader.  Ed.  Marcia Stubbs, Sylvan Barnet, and William E. Cain.  New York: Pearson Longman, 2006.  6-10.

Zoll, M. H.  “Modern African-American Families Gain Strength from Tradition.” 19 Aug. 1999. American News Service.  19 Feb. 2008 <http.//berskshirepublishing.com/ans/HTMView.asp?parltem=S031000102A>.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                           

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